All I’ve been doing lately is thinking.. It’s like I’ve been running from my thoughts for too long and they’re finally coming back to haunt me.
Who would I be if my parents didn’t split up when they did?
My mother left 3 years ago.. I haven’t seen her since, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Sometimes I get to thinking about her, and that maybe it’s okay to miss her.. Then I get reminded of something she’s done or something she’s said, and I remember why she’s gone.
We wouldn’t have Minnie, or anyone else I have come to love through her. And my mother wouldn’t have Matt.
Why do I lose everyone I get close to?
Am I a bad person? Do I push people away?
I’ve only had a few close friends in my lifetime, some of which were closer to me than even my own family, but now they’re gone and for reasons I can’t understand or explain. It must be me; but what is it about me? I’d like to think I’m a good person.. Of course I can be mean sometimes, and pushy and rude.. But who isn’t these days? I have my bad days and my good days, just like anyone. So why is it me that continues to lose everyone I trust and care about?
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
It’s a series of events really.
My parents split up.
In doing so, my father met Minnie and he’s really happy. I love Minnie, and all of her family. And through her, I met her daughter and some pretty good friends out in Gambo, who I have no idea how I would’ve got through the past year without.
Me and my ex; my best friend of a year and a half broke up.
In doing so, I met probably the best friend I’ve ever had. And I definitely would not be here today if it wasn’t for her.
We got back together, and broke up again.
Which, on my part was a terrible idea, but I learnt who I can trust and what I didn’t want in a future relationship.
I fell in love.
I have an amazing boyfriend who I wouldn’t trade for the world. I could never even begin to explain what he’s done for me and how much I love him. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, and I don’t know what I would do without him.
I lost my best friend.
I wouldn’t be able to explain what happened with us.. We changed, I guess. Things and people change all the time. I miss her, a lot. She was the best friend I’ve ever had.. And I would never be able to thank her for everything she’s done for me.
I’m not ‘depressed’ by any means. I have people that love me, I know that. But along the way I’ve forgotten to love myself. I don’t know how to explain to anyone how I’m feeling lately because it’s like I’m not feeling at all.
It’s funny how things work out.